Holiday Sales Spike

Small Border Business Prepares for Hellish Holiday Season

All hands are on deck this December as the year of our Lord comes to a close. Impeachment hearings, race wars, and an erratic stock market, the news has become nothing but a beacon of bad tidings, and one local business is racing to beat the cold and provide opportunistic solace to its distressed denizens.

“It be like, ummmm, we gotta sell a lotta shit,” local gang member Chiva Madre (birth name) relays while bagging up what appear to be blue crystals, transparent underneath and effervescent in the sunlight. “People be askin’, yo niggy, where my product at?! They be havin’ holiday get-togethers and family problems and shit, I dunno. We make ‘em happy, i’m like Christmas Clause.”

Madre is one of the founding leaders of local gang, “Los Gueyes,” a criminal network specializing in the drug trade across the city as well as over the border. An overall productive year for the gang, they managed to stack a whopping 25 million dollars purely in the movement of their unique strand of drugs, so popular that the International Department of Drug Trafficking has even taken notice.

“Los Gueyes have moved an astounding amount of their product, codenamed ‘Smurf Cum,’ despite the best efforts of trained undercover field agents and surveillance technology,” Commissioner Cheeseman reported at a recent press conference/Christmas social. “Personally, it’s the holidays, they’re Mexicans… this thing is a done deal. Let them finish out the year, I say. Let’s propose a toast,” Cheeseman continued while raising a glass of three-decade aged Pinot Grigio™ to the futility of his bureau.

The Government isn’t the only organization taking a hit this holiday season. Local Pimp Thaddeus D. Washington (birth name) has been providing bargain female accompaniment to the bar-and-back-alley scene for a little over a decade, and has seen for himself the trouble in keeping afloat during these cold Winter months.

“Listen here, White Devil. It be cruel and hard like a witch tit out heya (sic) ‘round ‘dis (sic) time. The bitches be wantin’ First Class flights back to Montana, these washed up punk drunk niggas be wantin’ two hours of prime pussy for the price of one… playa’s (sic) can’t survive in this harsh economic climate.” Washington prides himself on his aptitude for following the economy and playing it safe, investing in flash markets and maintaining his animal fur purple-suit zeal. “Nigga’s be thinkin’ you gotta stay in the pussy game and keep all yo eggs in one suitcase or some shit. I monopolize to keep the money flowing. You need baby shoes, I got baby shoes. You need a jailbroke iPhone 4, nigga I got twenty lining my coat righ’ (sic) now keeping my jail-titties warm. Don’t punk me bitch, buy now.”

With Christmas coming in little over a week, Los Gueyes are preparing for a final sales push, putting up billboards all over town and handing out flyers. “Anything to get that money in my house, bitch. I be tryin’ to buy that new Rolex for my Tía as a surprise. Come by [ADDRESS REDACTED] any time between 2 AM and 12 PM for that good shit. And you better print that address, guero.”

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