An Interview with soon-to-be-known Author, Thaddeus D. Washington
Arriving with a posse in a gold-painted stretch limousine Tesla, famous local pimp Thaddeus D. Washington strutted up to the front door with gambler zeal. At first having trouble with the height of his hat under the average-sized doorframe, he recovered style and made his way to the seat in front of me. His presence mocked the masculinity of everyone in the room, we all melted, and felt our penises shrink about three sizes that day. He requested that everybody, including his crew, leave us alone for the interview.
HARVARD MILK: Now, Mr. Washington…
THADDEUS D. WASHINGTON: You will hencefo’th refer to me as Thaddeus, White Devil.
HM: …Thaddeus. When did the desire to pursue the whole… “Big Pimping” lifestyle begin for you?
TDW: Lemme tell ya here, little bitch-boi. It ‘dun stawted with the beginnin’ of mofuckin’ time itself. Way back 6,000 yeahs ago, when da Earth got shit out by the man above, pussy was a market yet to be conquered. Then those mofuckin’ Egyptians revolutionized the game and started sellin’ it wholesale like Costco and shit, liquidation of assets and all dat. Now, obviously, slavery was some evil shit. BUT. It brought us da pussy game, can’t hate a Pharaoh-ass nigga for not knowin’ where they ethics would lead. Game’s a game, respect.
HM: I see… well it says in my notes you weren’t always a pimp… in fact it was only a recent development for you.
TDW: You can’t make money bein’ a college professor of Sociology, learned dat shit da hard way. Add onto dat, the fact that I am technically still a Caucasian-American, they didn’t give me no tenure or nothin’. They dun displaced me with some dirt-skin from overseas with a crayon degree and that fish smell on they greasy-ass collar.
HM: Has being Caucasian been difficult for you in pursuit of this new career path?
TDW: I been workin’ day in and out to be rid of this complexion shit. Face-paint be the best I can afford at the moment, I flew in da makeup guy from CATS to clean me up every day. The second I can afford dat Transition Surgery, you won’t even know I used to eat hot dogs at the mofuckin’ ball game. As for da job itself, bitches be bitches no mattah the whiteness of yo teeth. Roll in with attitude, let ‘em know who’s boss, beat they ass with the wire from the Electric Car charging station in front of Whole Foods. They join the squad.
HM: Do you feel like your brief career in Academia and research helped to influence the way you approached writing Pimp Behavior?
TDW: I got a street degree in Bitch Management, graduated Magnum Cum Loud *laughs*. Really doe, I did so much research shit back when I was a Paleskin, puttin’ it in easy-to-read format was not difficult to do in all re-al-it-ty. I want to show people that pimpin’ ain’t somethin’ erryone can do, but fo those blessed with da ethic, of sound mind and spirituality and shit… set yo mind to it, you can be a hard mothafucka.
HW: What kind of things can someone expect to learn from reading Pimp Behavior?
TDW: I be takin’ you to school mothafucka. Starting basics: how to dress, act right. How to survive on a diet of only Cognac and maraschino cherries. Where to buy yo suit, how to walk and talk. It’s all shit previously unspoken on in modern Pimp circles… can’t say it all, yougotta fork over dat dough to make dat dough… ya dig?
Swallowed up by his posse, Thaddeus then disappeared into the crowd, leaving behind a signed copy of his book and a cloud of motel-smelling cologne. It will be available for purchase on street corners around the country, apparently carried by his most loyal “Bitches” and “Hoes.” Also on Amazon Kindle Selects.