Career in Crisis

Life’s complicated when you’re an internet celebrity.

I’m so proud of my baby boy. He was always so flamboyant, so ecstatic about life. He’d get up and give these passionate speeches during the news… had no idea what he was talking about of course, but he was only five years old. He was meant to be a star.

He’s just so smart, I love my baby boy. I remember the first acting audition he had, I pressed and dry-cleaned this suit we bought from the Men’s Warehouse. He wasn’t going to a wedding, he wasn’t going to a dance. He was going to be a genius thespian, and he needed to look the part. $300, worth every penny.

Sometimes I worry for my beautiful baby boy. He seems to be on TV just about every day. There’s always some event, some dire consequence, news bulletins in airport waiting areas and during my hairstyle appointments. Before you judge me: being a one-woman management team is very stressful. The money’s nice, sure, but try taking hourly calls from the Jews at Cable News about this or that national tragedy and tell me i’m crazy. Long-winded promises of riches and the necessity for swaying votes and the like. I’m just kidding, not all of them are Jews.

My baby boy is convincing, he gets it from his mother. They tell me he gets coaching before he goes on-air, but I know he doesn’t need it. I taught him to believe what he was saying, even if he didn’t understand it. I’d tell him to watch my eyes in those meetings with the principals — the convincing is in the eyes, more important than the words. I always had to find ways to get him out of class, find new reasons to move schools, new identities. Sometimes I wish I could be a normal mom and go to PTA meetings, argue with those rich debutante bitches from the Country Club and watch my son do a tap-dance.

I pray to God every night for my baby boy. I pray that we continue to get work, I pray that he one day will stop making that little eye twitch when he gets nervous under the camera light. I know it sounds like i’m praying for something bad to happen, but really, it’s going to happen anyway. I’m just praying that everybody’s able to get something positive out of it. Sometimes, my baby boy calls me really excited, telling me about how he sees his face “trending” on the internet. He thinks it’ll last forever.

My baby boy is more famous and important than any magazine celebrity you can imagine. Sure, he got gypped out of Time’s Person of the Year. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess. But he’s a social media phenom now, he was in a debate with representatives on CNN a few months ago! Or was it last year? Either way, he was devastated that nothing got changed by the lawmakers. Why does he care? I told him to remember: he wouldn’t have a job if they did anything about it. 

WE wouldn’t have a job.

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