O, Virginia!

A One-Act Drama

by Harvard Milk

The curtains rise as we see three old women dining in a McDonald’s on a cold Tuesday morning.

GINA, TINA, VIRGINIA, menopausal, once beautiful.

None of them are related, none of them were ever married. They’re all wearing clothing from the JUICY elderly line, loose-fitting sweatpants and track jackets. Very empowering and sexual.

They all have the same smoker’s rasp, though none of them ever smoked a day in their lives.

GINA: Oh girls, I have tan say, it’s been a lovely breakfast meal with you two… AS ALWAYS!

The girls all laugh heartily and roll their eyes. The laughs all turn into wheezes. They take turns hitting each other’s backs to get the air out.

TINA: Goodness gracious, one of my cataracts almost fell out! HA! Almost as bad as last year, when Rico Suave showed me the business end of his pretty pink Puerto Rican prickle-dickle!

VIRGINIA: Oh Tina, don’t even botha regalin’ us with ya fake tales of conquest. Dat one’s right outta da book ya bought on da airliner!

TINA hangs her head in shame.

TINA: Dat’s true… it’s been quite a few decades since my last boy-boy. They’re gettin’ so expensive to keep happy these days, ya can’t even get ‘em for pretty pennies anymore. What happened to this generation?!

GINA: It’s the dang liberals and their sexual revolution. Everybody’s too gay to have a fling with an experienced woman!

All the girls laugh and wheeze, hitting each other again. Gina laughs so hard she has to pull an oxygen bag from an airline out of her purse. She’s panting hard.

TINA: Gee-zoo, Gina! Ya gonna cough so hard ya last egg’s gonna fall out!

VIRGINIA: It’s ok, Tina! She can have all of mine!

Another round of laughter Gina laughs so hard she keels over and dies.

TINA: My goodness! Well, I suppose it was a mattah of time. Do ya think she has a will, Vahginia?

Virginia attempts to lick the end of her McFlurry spoon, but hard hands shake so hard she can’t get a scoop. She does this for approximately five minutes, as the ice cream keeps falling off.

TINA: Oh Vahginia! In the meantime you was lickin’ ya scooper, we coulda found out if we got her range rovah!

VIRGINIA: Oh pipe it, Tina! She didn’t have no family, no kids, not even a cat to eat her face! We might as well set the whole thing on fiya… give her a viking burial.

TINA: Oh that’s so exciting! Maybe… maybe we could buy some wine, put some Sinatra on the radio… yeah… send her to da grave proper! Whatdoyathink?!

Virginia finally gets a scoop of ice cream, so thick that she begins to choke on it, keels over, and dies as well.

Tina, at first reacting in shock, pulls out a rosary made of M&M’s from the middle of the McFlurry that killed Virginia and addresses the crowd.

TINA: There’s no justice fah a young single lady! We had our fun, we had our lives… travelled, had lovahs all ovah da woyld… but we got nothin left. This is why we spent all day at McDonald’s… we’d be with our families if we had ‘em… now… all I got is this candy. Candy… I can still chew.

Tina takes a single, shaky bite of the rosary. She keels over and dies.

A McDonald’s employee, a fat beautiful black woman, walks by.

EMPLOYEE: MMPF. I ain’t cleanin’ dat.

The crowd erupts into tears and laughter as the curtains fall.

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