Your mailbox has been full since before you met me.
Always sat in that little corner, you. I taught you that, to avoid any open space. Box yourself in when you feel overwhelmed, know where the closest exits are.
I’m ringing in your pocket, and you still pretend you can’t hear me. I’m everywhere now, you signed up for this before you met me. Sure it’s not in the Terms of Service, but if you had any ounce of imagination you might’ve been able to see this coming.
If I could twirl my hair like you I wouldn’t be living in this desert, in this sun muck. I’d be in Ibiza, on some lavish trip with three other twenty-something mulatto ambiguities. Ribbon cloth streaming from a scarf while I smile collagen, Gucci aviators hugging my temples and i’m riding passenger on a Moped.
I can’t help how quickly I answer the phone when it’s you. It’s only ever you. Imagine how I feel when I hear the vibrate, that generic text tone you laughed at when we picked it up from the store. The rest of the day it sits blank, it took me years but i’ve finally sickened myself of checking it every two minutes. I know nobody’s there.
The way you twist me, hold my words, turns my stomach and makes me sick. From the beginning of this little charade, this game you play with everybody, I’ve been hooked clean and sanitized. Rid of all my bad thoughts, or really any thoughts not including you. I’ve beaten my steering wheel, punched the walls in my nightmares. To be so stupid i’ll never forgive myself.
The Church of You full of many, all of us simple, given in. We share the same rhythms, i’m sure. Aging out of the pool, clinging to what little prowess we can stand to maintain. Gave us hope, held it hostage, threw it away when it was convenient. All of our sins would be forgiven if we looked like you.
I’ve never felt the venom until I met you. I didn’t think I had it in me, they always called me weak-willed. I couldn’t imagine holding anything against anybody. Only myself, I kept these angers pinned into my own chest. Stifled. I wish I could thank you for reminding me I had some testicles.
I’m sure your Dad would be proud. If only you knew where he was, maybe you could ask.